Austin My mess!!
Sat staring out the window at an Asda sign for fuel in a car park………. been here 2 hrs.
I’m angry, confused, suffering and a whole list more this is a true story. A life full of failure regret and guilt and loss. The hardest part is I need to take responsibility for this.
Life is well life , there are books, self help guru people and a list of things to make you live better but what the fuck is that?
Eat well! Don’t take drugs unless a doctor gives you them or if they are socially acceptable! Have a job/career! Don’t live off the state! Work out! Be a patriot! Get married! Have kids! Live happily ever fucking after ………….. question who actually follows this and gets it right!
The very fact I’m writing this and not a name on a stone in a cemetery is quite frankly on my behalf bad luck. I don’t need pity I’m not part of that majority I’m a product of bad choices caused by well suppose shitty life experience and ego.
I do have mental illness but they are not me and frankly if let’s say I broke my toe I can’t 8 mth later go and act shitty towards people maybe assault someone or go on a alcohol fuelled train crash because I am traumatised at the fact I broke my toe no.
Ok ok it’s harsh , I need help, I’m hanging on a knife edge at the min.
Brief history born 1981, Scottish mother , Burmese father, they split divorced and I got passed about, I ended up being physically abused (hitting not sexual) , bullied struggled as a kid, left school early zero prospects on self improvement/ development, homeless joined Army…. deployed married deployed daughter born deployed deployed drank drank drank divorced deployed got wounded, deployed deployed discharged on medical grounds (PTSD) tried to sort myself mum got cancer son was born moved split twins were born one twin died my dad died everything is a mess have you caught up?
I’m a train wreck I’m making bad decisions constantly and suffering I need help really bad but unable to ask unwilling to take but believe it of not I try to help others.
My perception feels toxic and effects every part of my, relationships are hard to maintain , I don’t deal with people well personally , I am comfortable at distance and weirdly I have the ability to make people laugh and even been told people feel safe with me.
My whole reason I’m here is my children, I struggle with the notion of suicide , I struggle to see why this is a bad thing when I’m in pain but again my kids….. I don’t see them every day but I need to be here, they may need me, they may want me one day and hopefully they love me.
My problem as stated is me, I can be angry and blame the world and be a victim forever more but that doesn’t sit well I am a adult and a capable man I was a soldier who fought on the front line (wherever that place was) wherever needed I’m a protector I’ve just got lost off path.
If you read this and think this is individual too me please understand it isn’t.
PTSD is developed through trauma and not being able to process what’s happened and believe it or not it isn’t just the military that suffers it doesn’t care who it targets it will mess with emotions, thoughts, cognitive ability , sleep , lifestyle the list can go on and on sadly and the fallout is bigger. The snowball effect of all mentioned can wreck lives and drive you into a deep depression where you just want to throw in the towel. This is important, it is at this time you don’t! You must hold on and find a way to ride the storm mark my words this won’t last! You will rise again! You find things that help you maintain healthy balance and you hold on! We are gifted this life right now and we don’t know what’s after but that when we go shouldn’t really be our decision to make selfishly we need to wait our time.
If you need help please reach out and get it! Don’t ask the bottle for advice as you will never ever find the answers you seek in the bottom of the glass.
Be you and be unique and don’t ever feel you are alone in the world if you shout someone will listen.
Much love 🖤
Jonny
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